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- Fear not,we're here to help you
SUNNYSIDE--(Saturday 3-27-99)--Gol Dang It!
I just read editorials by two of my smalltown colleagues at the Daily Sun News. They're bummed. As I read their columns, I perceived a cry for help.
- It's bad enough that I control the vast Yakima Valley News empire just down the street, while they're merely employees of that quaint little alternative newspaper, the DSN.
- OK, the DSN huffs and puffs to compete with my humongous operation. That must make life dismal enough for Bob and Julia. But that's not all I've been worrying about on their behalf.
- According to their columns:
- Bob split with his wifemate and hates eating his self-inflicted culinary outrages. And stuff just keeps piling up in his house. So, I'm advising bachelor Bob:
- Call in a Merry Maid to swab your pad. You can afford it.
- Lay in a few Schwann's TV dinners through the week, then take a merry maid out for dinner toward week's end. Get laid on Saturday and Sunday.
- Make this a routine. The DSN will be up to 48 pages a day in no time.
- Julia climbs up out of the sack in the weewee hours, then can't get back to sleep. Then she stares at the ceiling in the gloom. She can't snatch zzzzs like she used to. That's not funny. We're not laughing. So, Julia:
- Try melatonin.
- Ask Lanctot for a raise. You know you deserve it.
- I'm not going to give other advice and maybe get socked in the ear during a city council meeting.
- So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. An actual, non-political, non-crime editorial from the wire facilities of the nationally acclaimed Yakima Valley News.
- We hope, Bob and Julia, that you'll implement our humble advisory and feel better in a few days. --LA